Saturday, December 09, 2006

Breaking News: Kids have sex in college!

So the FSView recently reprinted a New York Daily News article about how my beloved and expensive alma mater, Columbia University in the City of New York, is in fact a house o' learnin' for perverts and sexually promiscuous liberal weenies. As evidence the NYDN reporter cites a bunch of nude soirees, some piped-in porn and the Columbia administration’s hands-off attitude.

A couple of responses pop up in my head.

Number one: kudos to the FSView staff for giving 'Noles students yet another area to stress about. First, they slip in the party-school standings, then their football team becomes a Division I also-ran, and now they're told that they lack the libidinous mojo of a couple of granola-crunching, hemp-wearing Ivy Leaguers.

Number two: If it is true, it's news to me since I graduated in the '02, and it's news to this guy, too. My impression of the school is that, controlling for radical feminists and rabble-rousers, mad geniuses, smarmy fumbling intellectuals and the incredibly unattractive, the desirable dating pool in the Upper West Side is remarkably small.

I mean, for the love of all that’s holy, they gave their BDSM club a Latin name. Now really, how alluring is that? It's hard to deconstruct orientalism, critique dialectic reason and calculate Riemann sums and still get your sexy on.

Also, consider that the writer of the article works for the Daily News, which is clearly in a race to the bottom with the Fox-owned New York Post. The boys in that back room have had it out for Columbia for a while. Apparently it has something to do with the fact that the more education you acquire, the less likely you are to believe the daily dreck that falls out of Bill O'Reilly's mouth.

(Which reminds me. Remember when Bill O'Reilly settled that sex-harassment lawsuit? Something about a loofah or a falafel in the shower. Man, what's up with all that sexual perversion at Fox, huh?...)

Anyway. The big question in my mind is: Is this news? Is anyone – especially in Tallahassee – surprised that sex becomes important to teenagers who move out of their folks' homes, live in close proximity to their well-groomed and image-conscious peers, and are told by their professors to subvert the dominant paradigm? That's not ivory-tower liberalism: That's growing up.

Sure, it may occasionally mean power tools in the hands of children. And it may be more than most can or should handle. Heck, it may even be a mortal sin.

But before you go casting them stones, check yourself and your own worldly desires.

And call your kids at college. You know, just to be sure.

(Any thoughts from the peanut gallery? Post a comment, already.)

(And feast on an orgy of USA Today's Pop Candy.)

2 comments:

Miss Trashahassee said...

Adam, honey, with all due respects I gots to ask you somethin' so don't be gittin yore feelins' hurt or nothin', but I just gots to know: Did you just fall off the turnip truck?

You says, an' I quotes: Is anyone – especially in Tallahassee – surprised that sex becomes important to teenagers who move out of their folks' homes, live in close proximity to their well-groomed and image-conscious peers, and are told by their professors to subvert the dominant paradigm? That's not ivory-tower liberalism: That's growing up.

Now Adam, honey, last I knowed, sex have always been important to teenagers. It ain't no matter if they live with Momma and Daddy. Youngins' was doin' that thing before they moved out and went to college, when they was in high school. Heck, when I wuz in 7th grade at Belle Vue a hundred years ago I heared there was some kids there that done it in the big drainage ditch behind the school during a dry spell.

I don't know if this is the peanut gallery but if it is, this is just some thawts. Already.

Keep up the good work.

Miss Trailer Trash

Arnold Schwarzenegger said...

Funny. The name of my BDSM club is "Bill O'Reilly." Besides my wife Maria and me, only one other woman shows up but she's not as attactive as Bill so Maria gets bored.